Relationship advice…
….from a Relationship Counsellor
Caveat – This article is designed to be generalist and short of details. More in-depth articles will come in later posts. Relationships are highly complex and unique. I guarantee there will be exceptions to everything I say. My attempt is to present you ‘themes’ in relationships and the possibility that these aspects may resonate with you….
Introduction
The nature of this article is to give an idea on what may begin to improve your relationship with your partner. The limitation of the article comes from being these are the initial efforts you are making. What you turn your attention to beyond this point will be far more effective if they are unique to what may be happening between you.
Scheduling in time to talk
A better relationship doesn’t happen by accident. We don’t accidentally improve how we are getting on. Relationships suffer from a lack of attention and they have a way of going off in a direction that we hadn’t intended. By attention, I mean talking about things that go beyond the day to day stuff…. ‘what are we having for dinner’ or ‘who’s picking up the children from swimming’. I’m also not referring to 2 hour in-depth & meaningful conversations four times a week. The suggestion is to go slightly beyond the day-to-day organisational chat and begin to scratch a little below the surface.
Some people reading this may be thinking “Arrrr, that’s the type of stuff that gets us into trouble”….and you may be right, but without the structure (i.e. time put aside), things are only going to continue or get worse.
Couples often use “Check-ins” as a gentle way to begin. This idea may sound obvious but remember, this is only the beginning of how people ‘squeeze-in’ a little time for each other. How you ‘check-in’ is going to vary a lot, but by doing this, you are starting to create a pattern that gives an opportunity to begin building on.
Communication
The subject of communication alone, is a biggie….so this is keeping to my pre-mentioned general theme. A lot of people who start couples counselling report an immediate improvement on how they are getting on. This usually happens because partners are on ‘better behaviour’ ….or put more professionally; couple sessions help partners be more mindful of their actions and the way they interact with each other. This natural phenomenon likely relies on these factors….
Partners are simply being more conscious of their relationship.
Partners are likely making more effort when communicating.
Scheduling in time for care/fun
Asking people to consider gestures of care or how they enjoy time together always sounds flippant when speaking with couples. Understandably deeper issues will prevent this type of interaction. However, if you are seeking to improve relationship happiness I feel this aspect of a relationship is greatly understated and often neglected. This is why the advice is to “schedule” this into your days/life….
Consider both having phone reminders to help prevent forgetfulness.
Take turns to create something for each other that is openly acknowledged as a gesture of care. This could be the classic ‘date night’ or something that’s unique to you or your relationship.
Care or fun are the oil that turn the wheels of a relationship. Often the absence of these is the indicator of relationship unhappiness but also a strong contribution towards it.
……… I know all of the above may feel obvious but I often experience these things forgotten when working with clients. The plan is to expand (and add) on the above in subsequent posts but I hope this offers a ‘light’ introduction on improving relationship happiness.
