Communication exercise
The area of couple’s communication is such a biggie that a place to start can be hard to find. Below is a great exercise that I use often with clients. This exercise has links to the patterns/habits we easily fall into, as a couple.
Step 1
Partner 1 begins by speaking for roughly 5 minutes while Partner 2 remains silent. The person speaking will pick a subject that they have to describe with their feelings. An example of how to begin a sentence… “When we were at the party I felt…..”. The focus must be on conveying how they have been affected by something that has happened or been said. Be careful to avoid talking about your partner….”You always undermine me when……”
Step 2
Partner 2 concentrates on hearing how the person has been affected while remaining silent. They must try to avoid thinking up defences to what is said and focus on how their partner has experienced the subject. They then attempt to tell their partner what they believe they heard. Try not to let the retelling stage last more than 5 minutes…the more things said, the more potential for ‘slips’. Also the emphasis should be on what Partner 1 is attempted to convey.
Step 1 and Step 2 are repeated until Partner 1 feels what was heard, is accurate to what they were conveying. A reminder here to avoid the possibility of talking about your partner…this will likely help escalation the discussion in an unhelpful way.
Of course both partners have a chance at being the person that ‘convays’, so each partner switches roles and the exercise is repeated.
Why….?
Why do I offer this exercise……? The way we speak to our partners is usually instinctive, encouraging us to say something without thinking too carefully how its put. With our partners we also have an increased ability to read into what they say, and to react defensively. If the way we communicate goes ‘unchecked’ it easily leads to bad habits and more serious relationship difficulties.
This exercise attempts to re-establish better habits. The exercise itself is likely going to feel awkward at first…..”Why do we need to ‘practice’ talking to each other, this feel odd?”. Because you may need to remind yourselves how to do this well. Consider how you used to speak to each other when you first met, then ask yourself how much that seems to have changed.
This exercise is good at slowing things down…..often our instinctive initial reactions are the ones that trip us up, either how we say something or the message we ‘think’ we’ve heard. Although this will feel awkward/deliberate, this exercise well give you both a chance at improving your communication and how you both interact day-to-day.
To begin with, try to pick subjects to talk about that are less intense. These subjects can simply be to practise the exercise without the inclusion of strong emotions and the chances of things escalating.
