Relationship patterns…….
This area of relationships is vast and I’m only able to scratch the surface. Another contributing factor here, is how unique the subject is. . . every relationship will have its own personal set of patterns.
Introduction
What I like to introduce is some consideration on how relationships are organised. The is more theoretical than my first posts. So, to balance this, I’m going to try to add a practical element (***) to help it relate it back to day-to-day life.
When I’m talking about patterns I’m thinking about “who does what”, and how that has an influence on how you manage, as a couple. “Who does what” refers to life’s everyday tasks, but also how each person approaches or reacts to things that become part of our lives.
How patterns often form
The most natural way patterns originate is when a relationship begins. The start of a relationship is a cocktail of two sets of accumulated experiences & influences. A strong driver of how relationships are organised is each of our strengths & weaknesses. Naturally, if a partner has a passion for planning, then tasks needing these skills are likely to be structured towards them. Conversely, if a partner is aware of a weakness or has a known adversity to something, the task may fall to their partner to take on.
The importance here is the fact that patterns often develop naturally, this means they can be organised without discussion or agreement. Most of time, this is fine. Part of two people starting a relationship is the coming together and the natural ‘fit’ between them. . . but not every area we ‘fit’ together stays effective as the relationship develops.
Are your patterns up to date?
As our relationship patterns developing naturally, we rarely pay more attention to how they form or speak about them going forward. The fact that one person always checks the bank and the other books the holidays is usually organised without being noticed. As we go through life things are destined to change around us. . . as well as the potential for us to change as individuals. This could make our relationship patterns move past their sell by date, they may no longer be fit for purpose. For example, if a partner gains promotion and this boosts their confidence, this has the potential to change parts of the couple’s dynamic in ways they weren’t expecting.
Have a think of the patterns in your relationship. Is there something your partner is constantly doing / What is your response to this?
A couple’s relationship pattern obviously needs two sides, therefore you each play a role in that pattern. Here are some popular roles taken on, in relationships (***promised practical bit), to help get you started on ‘who does what’:
Caregiver - Someone supportive. Someone who takes care of their partner. Maybe someone who may attempt to ‘fix’. Sometimes someone who’s hoping for their partner to change. Someone more likely to be flexible.
Alpha – Someone happy to lead. Someone comfortable making decisions in the relationship. Someone likely to instigate change in a relationship.
The Parent – Someone comfortable taking responsibility. Sometimes the partner who’s willing to be the coordinator in the relationship.
Co-dependant - A relationship that is a close operating unit. Couples who spend a high proportion of their time together. A lot of alignment of values & principles. Has the potential to be TOO close and lacks individuality or breathing room.
Of course, these aren’t exclusive, just some possibilities to get you thinking.
Patterns have the capability to produce conflict. Over time we may become resistant to them….”I want to do this activity on holiday but rarely have a say on what we do” or “I wish it wasn’t me that keeps an eye on the bank balance, it makes me feel I’m always the killjoy”. The frequent starting point for each partner is that the other partner is at fault and they must be told. If you’re reading this blog and have reached this far. . . . you may be willing to consider how the role YOU play is part of the pattern that exists.
