Attachment difference in couples relationships
An insight into things that might be influencing how you both are getting on.
Introduction
Attachment Theories – These theories are based on the behavioural template we build as we go through life. We are heavily influenced by the relationships we are connected to. Primarily our parents, siblings, grandparents (to begin with) but then other relationships we encounter as we experience life. Part of these theories consider to what degree we involve others in what happens around us. This can relate to how we cope with life; attachment behaviours are a lot to do with how we behave generally. They touch SO many parts of our behaviour it’s impossible to describe in a short paragraph. However, because our attachment behaviour influences our individual behaviour and is relationship based, it is inevitably connected to our partner relationships.
Closeness / Distance Relationship combination
As Attachment Theory is such an extensive subject, I’m going to focus on a popular dynamic I work with in my couple’s counselling. The Closeness / Distance combination can be noticeable in problems between how a couple connect with each other. It relates to how couples interact and how they experience conflict…it may even be the route of conflict. Here are the 2 sides of the combination……
Caveat – What I describe below are generalisations and certainly not complete descriptions of how we behave.
Close Attachment Style
Partners that have a close attachment style are more comfortable feeling connected to others. This is linked to how people attempt to deal with things we experience in life. They are more likely to involve others with anything happening in their lives, and this relates especially with their partners. Some possible traits of a close attachment style are:
Appear more effected by conflict and wish to resolve this quickly.
Being the Partner that prompts/requests doing something together.
The partner that’s first to begin a conversation, especially involving feelings.
A partner more likely to want to know what’s going on for their partner.
Keeping a discussion/argument going longer than their partner might.
This attachment style will seek closeness with their partner in most things they do. If they feel their partner isn’t providing that closeness, they are likely to increase their attempts to obtain it by making their ‘requests’ stronger and maybe demanding closeness.
Distant Attachment Style
Understandably, partners with this attachment style are more comfortable being more individual. Again, this relates to how they design the way they try to manage issues they face. They are likely to develop ‘distance’ in the way they respond to issues and less likely to include their partner in their solutions. Possible traits for distant attachment styles are:
More likely to self-manage/entertain.
Good at designing solutions.
Avoidant of conflict.
Appear less reactive to problems or appear more stable.
Unlikely to engage with or shuts down conversations that involve feelings.
Be more practically/rationally minded.
The importance of this style, to this article, is that this partner-type is likely to withdrawn as a coping strategy if they feel there is not enough distance around them to manage themselves effectively.
They will likely do things to obtain the space for themselves, i.e. move away or avoid potential conflict. If they do this and that distance is closed again, they are likely to increase their methods to obtain the space.
Push / Pull Dynamic
So having read the description of these two styles I hope you have a small understanding of what maybe motivating a partner’s behaviour. What I experience, with these two styles, is they can have a perpetual trigging effect on each other. . . i.e.:
Partner 1 (Close style) “You don’t seem yourself, lets sit down after dinner and talk. We haven’t done that in a long time”
Partner 2 (Distance style) “I’m fine, I’m just having to manage a lot at work at the moment. I was hoping to spend an hour finishing things off after dinner.”
Partner 1 (Close Style) “Don’t push yourself to do more, how about we go for a nice walk, and you can forget about work?”.
Partner 2 (Distance Style) “You’re not listening. I NEED to finish these reports.” Partner then leaves the room.
Partner 1 (Close Style) . . . follows “What’s the matter with you, why don’t you want to talk to me?”
Partner 2 (Distance Style) . . . Sits with head in hands, not saying anything.
Partner 1 (Close Style) “Fine, I’m going over to my parents. I’ll be back later. Maybe then you’d be in a better mood.”
Partner (Distance Style) . . . focuses on their work and attempts to put thoughts of the argument out of their mind.
Of course, this is just an invented example, but it tries to highlight how each style attempts to ‘manage’ the situation with their preferred method of coping. When they are not ‘allowed’ to have the space or closeness they want, they increase their attempts to obtain it. When one partner’s style increases, this goes against what the other style is hoping for, thus, triggering the other partner to also increase their efforts to either bridge or create distance. . . the combination of this creates a perpetual relationship loop that has the capacity to keep going around and around and around. . .
“So what’s the solution to this?” I hear you asking. . . . My answer is . . . It isn’t easy. We aren’t likely to be able to re-invent ourselves, and we certainly aren’t going to be able to re-invent our partners. Improvement begins with a better understanding of ourselves and our behaviour or our style. Secondary is observing our partners style.
Once a better understanding is gained we have a better chance of noticing when the push/pull loop is happening. We then have more opportunity to step out of the perpetual loop and prevent it from escalating.
This is a possibility for us to learn how we might ‘give’ our partners the type of room (closeness or distance) they are looking for. When this happens it can often relax our partners to be able to give-back the type of room WE then desire.
