relationship experiment
How couples relate to each other has a big influence over many aspects of a relationships.
Introduction
This technique has been something I’ve used when clients are beginning to address issues they face in their relationship.
Our relationship communication is likely dominated by sentences that involve the word “you” or “you’re”. When we hear words like this, it immediately invites us to put our ‘guard’ up and respond with something defensive that challenges the ‘attack’ we feel we’ve heard. Reacting defensively isn’t a conscious choice, it’s our instinctive reaction to the ‘perceived’ attack/criticism. In a relationship, this in a problem. Why……..Our instinctive defensives, to what we THINK we’ve heard, will likely encourage US to respond with words “you” or “you’re”…..thus beginning an unstoppable pattern.
So what can we do about this……?
try an experiment….!
Agree with your partner that over the next 2 weeks you are both going to attempt to use sentences that avoid the words “you” or “you’re”. Do this as many times as you can remember. It is very likely that you won’t achieve this 100%, and that’s ok.
The purpose of this experiment is to notice what difference it makes when you are both collectively trying to do this. You’re doing this to help avoid triggering each other’s anticipation of criticism. Put simply, it helps to prevent the attack/defensive pattern that can take over communication between couples.
As mentioned, this is likely going to prove very difficult. Firstly because it’s natural human behaviour to hear criticism initially when something is said to us. Secondly, this is likely a pattern that exists unnoticed between you. Here is a typical example…..
Partner 1 - ”Oh no, the car has been left unlocked ALL night”
Partner 2 - “It wasn’t me, I didn’t use the car yesterday, you did” …..and a batch of escalating comments will likely follow.
In this example I’ve deliberately made the initial comment (partner 1), neutral. Thus highlighting our ability to turn what is said into something we THINK we’ve heard, this usually involves feelings of criticism. Try re-reading that sentence and see if you interpret it as a statement, or do you feel it is an attack?
This experiment is deliberately limited to avoiding you or you’re statements because it helps to have something straight forward to stick to, within the complication of our daily lives. Something simple enough that it stands out in your memory but isn’t so complicated that it turns out being too involved to bother with.
However, if you are preventing yourselves from using you or you’re statements, and things are still escalating; try to check that something isn't being said that insinuates (or is connected) to the other person. An example of this might go like……
Partner 1 - “Oh no, the car has been left unlocked ALL night”
Partner 2 - “Well don’t blame me, I haven’t been in it since the weekend. When was it used last?”
I appreciate Partner 2’s response could be interpreted in many different ways, but the idea is to highlight that insinuation can still be included without directly mentioning the other person. Don’t forget we are all initially looking for criticism, so even if it's only being hinted at, that’s going to be how its heard.
Summary
If you have any success with this you may notice less escalation in conversations between you. You may also notice conflict can be easier to avoid all together.
Have a go at it. As long as you are BOTH willing to give it a try…..what have you to lose?
